The Greatest Hunger
by LonelyAngel88
Summary: What happens when Kurt's past interrupts his daily life?
1. Fitful

Chapter 1

Fitful

* * *

_Blink_

5:32

_Blink_

5:41

_Blink_

5:49

The red numbers seemed to be laughing at him. Laughing because they weren't waiting on him to fall asleep. He rolled his head away from the clock on his night stand. Why did everything mock him? He sat up in bed, peeling the covers off of his body as he did. He could see the faint rays of light peeking through his widow.

He was mildly rested and happy to see that the night was over. He yawned and stretched. Maybe the sleepless nights wouldn't catch up with him today, or tomorrow, or the next. '_Or ever.'_ Maybe no one would notice. '_Yeah, right. How can you not notice a furry blue monster.' _

Kurt shook his head, and withdrew from his covers. His feet settled on the floor and he stood up. Gathering up some cloths and a towel, Kurt 'ported to the bathroom.

As he appeared, he felt his stomach lurch and his head swim. '_Too tired to even 'port? Give me a break!' _He snarled at his sudden fatigue. '_Its not like I've never gone without sleep.' _He shook it off and showered, taking his time to enjoy the hot water.

Taking it a little easier than he liked, he walked into the kitchen for some breakfast.

"Good morning, Kurt."

"Guten morgen, Ororo." He replied, looking in her general direction, flashing a tired smile.

"Something wrong Kurt?" She asked, a little concerned seeing him so out of it.

"Nein, I'm fine Ororo." He replied, his hand resting on the refrigerator door. "Do ve have any coffee?"

"Yes we do, but I didn't know that you liked it."

"Nein, I don't. But I need somezhing to vake me up." Kurt answered, running his hand over his face and through his hair.

"I'm not used to seeing you so tired Kurt, are you sure you're alright?" Ororo began again. She knew something was wrong.

"Ororo, I promise I'm fine. Now, could you please make me a small mug of coffee?"

Ororo sighed, "Sure, I have to make some for sleeping beauty over there anyway." She added pointing over to a very groggy looking Logan. Kurt stifled a laugh. Logan had apparently fallen asleep at the table and drooled all over it in the process. His eyes were half mast, a piece of newspaper was stuck to the side of his face, and his hair was sticking up on the side he had fallen asleep on. It was just what Kurt needed.

"Elf, if you say anything, and I mean so much as give me a funny look, its extra danger room sessions for your ass." He growled out through a husky, sleep laden throat.

"I vounldn't dream of it Mr. Logan." Kurt said, a smile on his face.

"I just know that I'm going to be in the control room all day." Logan snarled. "I won't go easy on you. Remember that, elf."

"I said I vasn't going to say a word." Kurt defended, his arms held up as he backed away smiling.

"Hmpf."

"Logan, go easy on him." Ororo scolded as she sat the mug of coffee in front of him. "Besides, what are you going to do to me if I tell?" She chuckled peeling the newspaper from his face, leaving inky sports section text in its stead.

"Hmpf."

"Here you go Kurt." She smiled as she handed him a cup.

"Danke, Ororo." He said as he took the mug. He peered down into the creamy looking brew. Apparently it had been diluted and sweetened. He only hoped that there was still _some_ caffeine left in it.

It had taken longer for it to cool than he liked. '_Does Logan not have any feeling in his mouth? He just swallowed his whole cup without blinking!' _Logan had already made his way out of the kitchen, apparently already fully awake. Seemingly still fully unaware of the inky mess on his face. Definitely ready to give them Hell in the danger room. Kurt groaned.

He could feel his body perking up already. '_Maybe another cup.' _Kurt walked over to the coffee pot, pouring some of the deathly black liquid into his mug. He stopped and looked around for the creamer. '_Why couldn't I have been paying attention when Ororo was making my coffee?' _Groaning, Kurt downed about half of the cup before deciding he just couldn't bring himself to drink anymore.

Pouring out the remaining contents of the mug into the sink, he made his way to the danger room.

* * *

"Come on Kurt! Get a move on!"

"Give me a break Scott I'm trying!" Kurt growled as he dodged another blast of energy.

"No, you're being lazy! We're a team! Start acting like a part of it!" Scott yelled back, straightening up after ducking a chunk of rock. Kurt turned and looked at his teammate and huffed. He turned back, looking for a clear path for the button. The wonderful button that would end all this Hell, and then he could go and eat. He cursed himself for forgetting breakfast.

'_A ha! There it is!' _Kurt took off in a leap, 'porting halfway through it. Popping in about twenty feet from his target, Kurt noticed that his heart was beating fast. Very fast. He shook out of it, pushing aside the weird fluttering feeling in his chest for the goal. That damn button. He could feel his body slowing as he ran toward his goal, barely able to dodge the projectiles thrown at him.

His breathing was coming in ragged draws. '_What is going on with me?' _He pushed himself further. '_Almost there! Come on Kurt!' _He finally reached the end of the room and launched himself up the wall, climbing as he hit. He was sweating and he didn't like it. '_This shouldn't be taking that much out of me!' _He grunted as he neared the button, every muscle in his body protesting his actions.

'_Finally._' The machinery shut off and there was a cheer in the background, however all Kurt could hear was his thundering heartbeat in his ears. He was trying to breath calmly, trying his best to get back under control while hanging from the ledge the button was perched on.

His vision blurred and his head became a walking, sloshing fish bowl. He closed his eyes, rubbing them with his free hand. Looking down he figured it was about a twenty five foot drop. '_No, I don't want to chance anything.' _

"Jean! Can you help me out here?" He yelled over his shoulder.

The other students looked around. Was he kidding? He was Nightcrawler. He could scale sheer walls and ceilings, he could teleport, what was going on?

"Please guys, lend me a hand!" He called out again, he was getting tired and if they didn't hurry he wasn't going to be hanging there much longer. He felt his muscles jumping, burning under his skin and his stomach doing flip-flops from his spinning head. "Guys!" He pleaded, his voice cracking. '_Why aren't they helping!'_

He felt his three fingered hand tingling. '_Great time for you to fall asleep!' _He needed to do something. His teammates, from what he could gather, was still thinking this was a joke. ''_Porting is my only option.' _He didn't want to do it, he remembered this morning and just a while ago, he wasn't looking forward to a repeat. '_Either that or break every bone in my body.' _He gave one last plea, he could feel his body quaking.

"GUYS! Please I'm not kidding!" He felt his hand slipping, soon all he felt was the wind rushing past his face and then nothing. Jean had _finally_ caught him.

"Kurt! What happened!" Scott yelled as he neared his downed friend with Kitty and Evan close behind him.

Kurt was breathing hard, sweat pouring off his face. '_Some friends.'_

"Kurt!"

"I'm fine now...let me catch mein breath...and slow down mein heart..." He said between harsh breaths.

"Dude, you don't look so good." Evan added.

"I don't feel so good, either." Jean bent down, placing her hand on his forehead.

"You don't have a fever."

"Guys, I'll be fine in a minute. See." Kurt said with a smile, his breathing had already started to even out, but his heart was still hammering in his ears.

"Hey, what's taking ya'll so long?" Logan asked as he was walking towards the group of teens, noticing the downed teammate. "What's wrong Kurt?"

'_He must be worried. He called me Kurt...ha ha very funny Logan.'_ Kurt looked up and shrugged. "I really don't know."

"What seems to be the problem?" He asked again.

Before Kurt could open his mouth the whole group was trying to answer for him.

"Pipe down! Let the elf talk."

'_Back to elf are we?' _Kurt grimaced. Why was his heart still beating so loud? So fast? He covered his chest with his hand, the action not lost on any of his teammates.

"Kurt, what's going on?" Kitty asked motioning towards his heart.

"Just beating too fast, too hard..." He said in a hushed voice.

"Let's get you down to the hospital wing." Logan said. "Can you stand?"

"He better not, he couldn't even get down from the wall." Scott added. "We'll carry him."

Logan looked a little shocked. "Come on we need to hurry, this could be serious."

* * *

"Nothing more than too much caffeine in his system and not enough food. His metabolism is so high that it burned the caffeine up and in turn worked his heart and the rest of his body too hard ." Hank explained, turning from the side of the room full of concerned friends to his patient. "No more caffeine Kurt. It could kill you."

Kurt raised an eyebrow. "Are you serious?"

"Yes Kurt, I'm serious. Your metabolism is way too high for you to drink or consume high amounts of caffeine and then do strenuous activities. Your heart could explode."

"I vish I had known zat before hand. Besides, I only had a cup and a half." Kurt replied, crossing his arms over his chest.

"It was still enough, Kurt." Hank said.

The others in the room shifted and everything fell silent.

"So, vhen can ve eat? I'm starved." Kurt said breaking the silence that he didn't like. "And guys, don't feel bad. Its no vone's fault." He added, smiling at them, his golden eyes flashing.

The whole room sighed, letting out a breath it didn't know that it was holding.

"Alright Kurt, let's go and get some lunch!" Evan said, walking up to the blue, furred teen. Grabbing his arm, Evan hauled him up and ran out of the room with him.

The rest took a few minutes to realize that Kurt was no longer in the room. They chuckled a bit, each relieved that there resident blue, furred elf was out of danger.

* * *

"That hit zhe spot!" Kurt exclaimed as he reclined in his seat at the dining table. Rubbing his full belly absently as he wondered what he should next.

"Yeah buddy, it did." Evan agreed. "What about some video games?"

"Sounds like a plan." He replied with a fanged grin.

And with that the two teens made their way into the living quarters and spent the next four hours playing Grand Theft Auto off and on, whiling away their Saturday.

* * *

Kurt drew his eyes open and groaned. '_When you go to bed, you're suppose to sleep. Not be scared of it.' _The clock was again mocking him. Laughing at his inability to sleep as the night slipped away. '_Why are these nightmares plaguing me again?' _

He should be too worn out to dream. He let out a defeated laugh and left his bed. He came up to Kitty's and Rouge's room and knocked. He didn't hear anything and knocked again. His ears caught the mumbling of Rouge, something about castration. He shuddered and waited for the girl to find her way to the door.

"Whadda' want?" She bit out as she opened the door.

"Do you have any sleep aids?" He asked.

"Why d' ya need those, Kurt?" She asked, her eyes straining against the light of the hallway.

"I haven't been able to sleep for zhe past week Rouge, and I need it." '_More like the past month.' _He answered, his voice pleading.

"Ah'll give ya two, Kurt, no more." She said firmly

"Zhat's all I need." '_Finally I get to sleep.' _

Rouge turned into her room and was back at the door in a few minutes. She handed the two pills to him and told him to go and get some sleep. '_Don't worry Rouge, I plan on it.'_

As Kurt woke up, he couldn't believe that he actually felt more exhausted than before. '_I just can't win can I!'_ He growled throwing his head back onto his pillow.

He was sluggish all day, his eyes kept closing during the most inopportune times, such as during class lectures. It seemed that his teachers were all conspiring against him, he had the a feeling that as soon as he left a class to head to another, his previous teacher was racing to his next, informing them of his slothful behavior. If he heard 'Mr. Wagner!' again he was going to scream. The shrill voices of his female teachers did horrible things to his ears.

He caught a ride with Scott after school. The others looked at him strangely, they were use to Kurt porting home, waiting on them. Nevertheless, everyone enjoyed the ride and was talking about the latest gossip or was putting together a study group for a test. Kurt, however, was unusually quite.

Later on Kurt meandered around the institute for a while, then went in for dinner. He finished up some of his homework, then slipped off into bed. He hopped for at least and hour of peaceful sleep, but he knew that even that was hoping for too much.

"Kurt?" He swam up from sleep, his eyes cracking open. The luminescent orbs adjusted to the darkness of his room, falling on Kitty, who was sitting on the edge of his bed.

"Vhat is it Keety?" His voice was huskily soft, he pushed himself upright.

"I had a nightmare Kurt. I can't sleep." She answered, her eyes staring at the balled up fists in her lap.

'_Oh Kitty, I would take yours away, but even if I could I have too many of my own as it is...'_ He placed his three fingered hand upon her slim shoulder. "Do you vant to talk about it?"

She shook her head. "I'm sorry for bothering you Kurt. I know you haven't been sleeping well."

Kurt smirked. '_You have no idea.' _His thumb was rubbing small circles on her shoulder. "Don't vorry about it Keety."

"Do you ever have nightmares Kurt?" She asked, her face turning to see his own.

His eyes closed and his jaw tightened. '_I can't lie to her.'_ He looked back at her, smiling weakly. "Ja."

"Is that why you haven't been able to sleep?"

"Zhat and many ozher zhings, Keety." He answered tiredly, his hand falling away from her shoulder.

"What other things?" She pressed. She needed to find out what was ailing her friend.

"I'm just stressed."

Kitty took his hand in her own. "Kurt you can tell me if anything is bothering you. That's what friends are for."

"I know Keety." He said softly. '_I just can't burden you with my problems.' _

Her eyes welled up. He wasn't going to tell her. "Kurt..."

"Don't vorry about me, I'm fine."

"Please, Kurt." She pressed again, her voice cracking.

Kurt hushed her with one of his large fingers and drew her into his arms, pressing her against himself. '_Don't hurt for me Kitty. Please.'_ Silent tears made there way down Kitty's face as his hand ran through her loose hair.

* * *

He was stiff. He had fallen asleep, upright, with Kitty in his arms last night. The danger room session wasn't going to be fun today. '_It hasn't been fun for the last few weeks.' _Stretching as he made his way through the hallway, Kurt realized that he had actually had a peaceful night sleep. '_If only Kitty could sleep with me every night.' _He chuckled lightly.

He ate breakfast hurriedly, he knew that Logan wasn't going to wait on him. Feeling more like his old self, he kicked it up a notch, running to the danger room.

"Nice to see you up Kurt." Scott said offhandedly. "Maybe today we can actually train." He said grinning.

Kurt smiled. It was good be back to some semblance of normalcy. "Can't vait." He answered, bouncing up and down on the balls of his feet.

The simulation started off easy enough. It was a normal exercise. Find the button to end the session. '_Easy.'_ Kurt 'ported here and there, working with his teammates.

All was going good. Until fire erupted from the ground.

Kurt froze. There, right in front of his face was what kept him from his sleep every night. Fire. The dancing heat taunting him, the condemning voices drowning out everything around him.

He was back in Germany. Back in _that_ street. Back in the middle of _that_ crowd. "_Dämon!"_ That word tearing from their throats. They were terrified of him. He cowered down, trying to curl into himself. He could feel the rocks stinging his skin, ripping and bruising. He could feel the sharp pain race up his body as one of their pitchforks bit into his flesh.

"Ich bin kein Dämon!" Tears stung his eyes.

He could feel their hands tie around his body like vices as they tore him off the ground. He felt the pole digging into his back, the rope stretching across his body as they cinched him tighter to it.

"Bitte! Vergeben Sie mich!" He clawed at his neck.

The rope was cutting into his throat. His eyes looked around wildly. All those faces. All those ugly, hate contorted faces. They were all looking at him. He watched as a man, a priest, walk out from the crowd. He was saved!

"Bitte! Vergeben Sie mich!" He pleaded.

The man looked cruelly at him and spit. "_Wir werden den Dämon von dieser Welt reinigen." _Kurt could feel his throat tighten, his world shatter. Even God wasn't going to help him. He felt his heart stop as the priest gestured toward the staked boy. Out of the corner of his golden eye he saw a man walking towards him, torch in hand.

"Nein! Bitte macht nicht!"

As the torch kissed the dried brush, flame shot forth, swirling around, engulfing his vision. He watched as the flame inched its way towards his feet. He curled his toes, willing a little more time, maybe someone would save him. He felt white hot pain lace through his feet. The fire had started its slow and agonizing torture. He screamed.

"Ich bin kein Dämon. Ich bin kein Dämon. Ich bin kein Dämon." He kept chanting. His eyes were unfocused, his body trembling. He felt a hand land in his shoulder. "Ich bin kein Dämon!"

"Kurt!" Scott yelled. The simulation was over and it had been for a while.

"Scott, yelling at him at this time isn't going to help him." Professor X stated softly.

"What's wrong with him?" Kitty asked, tears spilling.

"The fire was a trigger for a bad memory." The telepath explained.

Kurt had curled up into a ball, his body still shaking. His eyes were wide, his mouth moving non stop.

"What do we do?" Scott asked.

"Wait for Hank to bring a sedative." He answered, his hands moving up to his temples.

* * *

Translations:

Ich bin kein Dämon. (I'm not a demon.)

"Nein! Bitte macht nicht!" (No! please don't!)

"Wir werden den Dämon von dieser Welt reinigen." (We will purge the demon from this world.)

"Bitte! Vergeben Sie mich!" (Please! forgive me!)


	2. Hunger and Recovery

**Disclaimer:** I don't own X-Men, DC Comics does.

**A/N:** There are many different scenarios of Kurt's past that I've read, so please no flames about me having the wrong one, this is where I pull out my artistic license _(Hopefully it extends into the writer world )_. I'm using this particular past for Kurt because I find it interesting and fun to use. Oh and by the way...this is my first X-Men fanfic. I haven't watched the series in a long time...but hopefully I'm keeping everyone in character. And no, Kitty will **_never_** say 'like' in my fanfic...it drives me insane to hear it, much less type it over and over again. Like nails on a chalkboard _shudders._

Chapter 2

Hunger and Recovery

Kurt opened his eyes and immediately regretted it. White Light. That was all that was out there beyond the sanctity his dark lids. He groaned and he heard the quick footfalls of someone rushing towards him. Was he hurt?

"Kurt?"

'_Mr. McCoy? Yeah, I'm definitely hurt then.' _He wrenched his eyes open, or so he tried. They were vehemently uncooperative. The sound of humming and beeping medical equipment filled his ears.

"Mein Gott, please turn zhe lights off." He groaned out, covering his eyes with his hands for emphasis.

Hank chuckled. "Sure thing Kurt." He motioned toward the light switch. Kurt heard the hurried shuffling and then the lights went out.

He cracked open an eye and to his relief, could tolerate it. "Vhat happened?" He asked, looking over toward the other resident blue mutant. He looked tired, Kurt wondered how long he had been up treating him.

"I was hoping that you could explain that one Kurt." Hank answered in a sigh, his large fingers pinching the bridge of his nose. "You gave all of us a scare."

Kurt's eyebrows furrowed as he tried to recall the incident Hank was talking about.

"If it helps, you had an episode when you seen fire." Hank said carefully.

Kurt's golden eyes widened. _'My God.' _He looked over at his doctor, mouth cracked open. He was ashamed that he had let his guard down that much. _'Why did it have to happen in front of all my teammates?' _

"Kurt, it's nothing to be ashamed of. Everyone has a phobia." Hank explained. _'You have no idea.' _Kurt thought wryly.

"It shouldn't have happened. I vas veak. I shouldn't have let it get to me!" He was furious with himself. He didn't want to explain why he was so terrified of fire. He held his head in his three fingered hand as he cursed himself in German.

Hank cleared his throat. "You have signs of extreme exhaustion Kurt." He stated hoping to turn the conversation else where. He was concerned about the boy. He had been hiding his problems so well. Hiding behind those smiles and jokes, hiding his weight loss behind baggy cloths. Hank looked at him through the eyes of a concerned mentor and doctor.

The blue teen sighed. _'I can't explain.' _

Taking his sigh as a'drop it' Hank shook his head. "Get some rest Kurt, you need it." He said before leaving the room.

* * *

"Hey."

Kurt looked up from his book. Smiling he replied, "Hey Kaetzchen." He dog-eared his page and sat it aside. "Vhat brings you down here?"

"I came to check on all the medical equipment, Kurt." She replied sarcastically. "What else would I come down here for?" She added, folding her arms across her chest, shooting him a pointed look.

"Gott Keety, it vas just a question." He replied, rubbing the back of his head, smiling sheepishly.

She sighed. "Sorry Kurt. I didn't mean to snap at you." She said, her arms dropping. "I'm just stressed about all of _this_."She said as she swept her arms wide, gesturing to the medical equipment, Kurt included.

"It's ok Keety." He replied with a small grin.

She walked over toward him and looked at the blue teen. "Care if I sit?" She asked, nodding toward an empty spot on his bed.

"More than velcome Kaetzchen." He smiled at her as she sat down, the bed sinking slightly from her weight.

"How have you been?" She asked, her eyes searching his own.

"Fine." He answered, his cheerful mask faltering a bit. He sat up straight, trying to work his smile into something that looked remotely heartfelt.

"Kurt."

He looked at her. His eyes burning with shame and hurt. "Have you ever...," his eyes took on a glassy sheen,_ 'been called a monster?'_

"Have I what?" She asked, her hand reaching out, touching his arm. She gave it a squeeze and for a moment Kurt felt the vice on his chest lighten. But it soon faded as her hand left his skin.

'_Have you ever needed to be touched, Kitty? Have you ever just ever wanted to be held and to know that someone cares?' _

"Nothing, don't vorry about it Keety." He answered, his voice quite. _'Have you ever hungered to be normal Kitty? Hungered to be loved?' _He looked at her."I'm starved Keety."He said, his voice quite and broken.

"I'll be sure to tell Hank, alright?" She giggled remembering how Kurt was _always_ hungry.

'_I doubt Hank can help, Kitty.'_

After a few moments Kurt felt a small tug at the corner of his mouth. He cleared his throat and took a breath. "How are zhing's vith Lance?"

"Going good, actually." She said with a smile as her eyes seemed to faze into dream land by the glazed look that overtook her. Kurt flinched. "Hey are you ok? You look a littlesick Kurt." Kitty asked, snapping out of her trance.

"I fine Keety." He said waving her attempts to feel his forehead off. "I'm glad you and Lance are doing vell."

"Oh! That reminds me," Kitty said with a mischievous grin, "How are you and Amanda doing?" Kurt slumped. _'No one knows yet?' _Kitty looked at him with concern, she knew something had to have happened for Kurt to be acting like this. _'Have you ever been treated like a animal, Kitty? Have you ever been treated like you were some wild animal that needed to be broken? Trained?' _

"Kurt? What happened with you and Amanda?"

"She found somevone else to be her lap dog." He sneered. He felt the hairs on his back rising. _'Tell me again Kitty, do you ever wish you were normal?' _He felt like an animal now, felt like he was caged, being watched, studied. He shook his head violently. _'I just want to be normal!' _

Kitty stared at him, noticing his mood had changed its course downhill rapidly. His teeth were gritted and he was almost snarling. "Hey, why don't you and I go and do something together this weekend? Provided you can stay out of the med wing long enough."

Kurt felt his muscles relax and his beast calm as she spoke to him. He looked up at her and smiled. "Sure, zhat would be fun, Kaetzchen." He wiped his brow as sweat began to drip into his eyes. "And I'll try to stay out of here, but it'll be hard, you know how much I enjoy it!" He said with mock enthusiasm.

Kitty rolled her eyes and smiled.

* * *

Kurt quickly recovered and was _acting_ normal, jokes and all. The 'date' with Kitty was forgotten as she found less and less free time away from Lance to go. His apatite hadn't returned and he still looked and felt haggard from sleepless nights. He had taken to using his image inducer more and more to hide himself from the world and institute. His nights were consumed with condemning voices and that damn fire. His screams tore through his room, echoing off sound proof walls.

More than anything, he wanted one night. Just one night of peace. He got up and paced around his room. He needed a release, he needed to run, climb, jump, anything to wear himself out so he couldn't dream. His tail whipped back and forth in agitation. He looked over his shoulder, eyes falling on the crucifix hanging on his wall. Saying a quick prayer, he darted out of his room and ran through the woods surrounding the institute. He ran, hoping to leave _his_ demons behind.

* * *

Logan was the first up, as always. He stalked across the kitchen, scratching as he noted the lack of cleanliness. Muttering about extra danger room sessions for the slackers who forgot to do the dishes, he headed out of the room in need of a shower.

On his way he ran into a very tired looking Kurt. The blue teen looked at the elder mutant, shock and horror drawing to his features as he realized that he had been caught. He hadn't wanted to be seen.

Logan noticed that his skin was in tatters and his fur was matted with leaves, dirt, and blood.. His golden eyes, lacking their usual glow, were sunken and bloodshot. His lean frame sagged with exhaustion and his tail hanged limply behind.

"What tha' hell happened to ya'?" He asked. He had been concerned about Kurt, even before the danger room incident. For one food had been plenty around the dining table. And that worried him. There had _never_ been excess before and he knew that Kurt needed the extra food for his 'porting and just basic survival.

"Just needed to think." Kurt's voice came out raspy. _'And escape.' _

Logan _hated_ to pry into anyone's business, but he needed to make an exception for Kurt. He was wasting away, he needed help, or he wouldn't...no he didn't want to think about that.

"Kurt, your goin' ta visit the professor as soon as you go and get cleaned up."

"Logan, I need to sleep. I zhink I can finally sleep, I zhink I finally lost zhem,." He slurred, his accent heavy. Kurt was half asleep already and was swaying slightly on his tattered, bloody feet.

"Lost who?" He questioned, but Kurt had begun to fall forward, his eyes closed. Logan caught him, and sighed, he'd get his answers later. He swung him over his broad shoulder and stalked towards Kurt's room. He laid the boy on his messy bed and threw a cover over his body. He questioned himself as to why he didn't take him down to the med wing. He shrugged and figured the boy would sleep better in his own bed. In the meantime, he needed to talk to Charles.

* * *

Kurt bolted out of his nightmare. His skin slick with sweat and fur matted with questionable material. He looked across the room at his cross._'He didn't make them go away.' _He shook his head. He didn't want to loose faith, but it was becoming increasingly difficult no to do so. He placed his three fingered hand over his speeding heart. _'I'm surprised it hasn't just quit on me yet. I'm going to wear it out.'_ He closed his eyes and leaned his head back taking a deep breath. He needed a nice hot bath.

Gathering his things needed for such an trip, he walked over to his night stand and grabbed his image inducer. Placing it around his wrist, he sighed and pushed the button and waited for the fake skin to wrap around his blue fur. And he waited some more. _'Fuck.' _He had been using the inducer so much that the batteries had run down. He scowled and ripped the machine off his wrist and tosses it on his bed.

He sighed again. He would have to chance running through the hallway in his current state of disarray. Ironic how an attention hog like himself didn't want to be seen. _'I feel like shit.' _He decided to chance a look in the mirror and eyes nearly bugged out of his head. _'I look like shit that had been nuked.'_ He shook his head and headed out of his room. Looking side to side down the hall before completely emerging from his room.

Kurt took off at a steady pace, that is, until he heard someone coming up behind him. His strides soon broke into a run and before he knew it, his hand had swung the bathroom door open and his body flung itself inside. He quickly shut the door behind him and let out a breath.

"Kurt? What happened to you?!"

Kurt flinched and turned around slowly, his eyes meeting the shielded ones of Scott.

'_Fuck.'_

* * *

Haha, cliffy.

Sorry it's a little short.

GIZMAC - Thank you for your review! And I do plan on writing more

MorbidWerewolf - Thank you for your review! Of course I'm not going to let Kurt and Kitty together that fast! I'm not that nice! Kurt needs to work through some trust and self image issues first.

hikarisailorcat - Thank you for your review! He's not gonna die if that's what you mean...maybe...(looks around for rabid fangirls)...kidding, just gonna play with the elf's emotions for a while.


	3. Spiral

.

Hi ppls. I know I haven't updated this in what? A year? But I have had personal issues that have kept me from getting back to writing. That and my computer imploded on itself and lost all my works. Now lets see, if I continue this story, I'll try to make it flow with the previous chapters. Now, as for critiques and stuff from previous chapters, I agree with them and will try to avoid them in the future. I will be editing this chapter to flesh ot out some more, just wanted to update. I'm having to use notepad so excuse grammer mistakes until I can actually get this into Word. Just a repeat, this chapter is no where near completed.

Chapter 3 - Spiral

Kurt's breath caught in his tight throat. He was screwed and he coudn't port out of it.

Scott moved slowly toward his teammate, reaching his hand out tentaivly. "It's ok Kurt," he said quitely "I just want to help."

Kurt slumped to the floor, he was tired of fighting and trying to hide. He felt defeated and he wanted nothing more then to curl up into a ball and disapeer. Everything that he held back came forth and sob broke through his horse throat. Why couldn't he die? Why did fate want him to suffer? He felt himself being held, awkwardly. Scott wasn't sure how to comfort Kurt, so he opted for a half-assed, manly hug.

_'Disgusted to touch me, like everyone else.' _Kurt stiffened and moved out of Scott's embrace, feeling very much like an unwanted obligation. He stood and walked into the showers and heard Scott exit the room. As he scrubbed, the overwhelming feeling of loneliness over took him and he dropped to the tiled floor. He wondered briefly if he died if anyone would miss him and he couldn't think of anyone. _'Who could miss me?'_

He shook his head. He was too much a coward to take his own life and therefore he would continue to burden his teammates. He sickened himself. _'I should have let them burn me at the stake when I was younger... what a fool I was. If I had known... I would have.' _

--

Professor Xs' head shot up from its previous resting place in his hands. He was not liking the way Kurt's thoughts were heading. "Logan, we need to keep a close eye on Kurt. Issue a suicide watch imidiately, please."

Logan was taken aback. "I'll let McCoy and Ororo know right away." Prof. X nodded and rested his head on his hands, trying to tune in with Kurts troubled mind.

--

Two of his teammates had seen him out of his well kept front, and he did not want to face them. He was sure Prof. X knew now too. Back in his room, Kurt looked around and his eyes again fell on the cross hanging on his wall. _'I don't blame you for leaving me.' _he smiled a bit, his eyes watering. He walked over and lifted the cross of its nail, he gazed at the gilded bronze face of his savior and caressed it before turnig to his dresser and placing it in the bottom drawer.

He went out to his balcony and sighed as he looked up into the sky. Nothing had ever been easy in his life and he knew that nothing ever would. Would he fill like he was floating in a void for the rest of his life? Completely useless and lonely? He already knew the answer.

He was pulled out of his reverie by a faint rapping on his door.

"Come in."

Kitty peeked through the door and seen him outside on the balcony.

"Kurt?"

"Yea, Kitty?"

She didn't answer. Kurt turned around and seen her griefed look.

"Kitty? Whats wrong?"

She really didn't know how to approach her friend, but she needed someone to talk to. "Lance, dumped me."

_'Oh Kitty, I warned you, countless times.' _He hugged her and whispered encouragements in her ear. Thats what he was there for.

His eyes widened and he broke from their embrace. "I can't Kitty."

"What?" Her eyes shown with confusion.

"I can't keep doing this, it hurts too much." He walked into his room and sat on his bed. Head in hands.

"I'm hurting you Kurt?"

"No. I'm hurting myself with my delusions." _'Thinking that you could ever love me. Letting myself love you.' _Kurt took a deep breath and looked up at Kitty, and smiled. "Don't worry about it Kitty. You did nothing wrong."

She looked at him and knew that she had been missing so much more than she knew.

"Were you ever told anything of my childhood Kitty?"

"No, I haven't Kurt."

"Would you like to know?"

She nodded and sat down beside him.

--

Kitty looked at Kurt with sad eyes. She had never known that Kurt had suffered through so much as a child.

"I was thinking this morning, Kitty, if I had died back then how little it would have mattered."

She looked at him, her mouth agape. "I would have never met you! Don't talk like that Kurt!"

He chuckled. "What difference have I made in your life Kitty, that someone else couldn't have filled?" She was quite. "See, Kitty. I can't find a reason to stay."

"I would miss you."

"Would you?" He turned to her, seeking her eyes. "Would you really miss me."

She stared hard at him. "Yes."

"How would you miss me?"

"You're my best friend Kurt. I would be lost without you."

_'Heh, I was right.' _He looked down, a sadened smile on his face. "Friends can be replaced and are easily forgotten, Kitty."

She sighed. "What do you want from me Kurt?"

He looked up, "Thank you." And without time for her to ask, Kurt was gone.

--

Prof. X snapped out of his meditation, his link with Kurt was gone. He raced to the control panels turning the mic on with shakey hands.

"Attention Students and teachers, please meet in the auditorium for an emergency meeting."

--

"We have a high alert emergency on on our hands team." Prof. X stated. He looked over the faces of his students. "I have called you all here because we must save one of our own, from himself."

Collective gasps and 'Whats' where heard.

"I can't waste time discussing this much further, but your objective to find and bring Kurt back." He said. "That is all."

--

Kurt felt his resolve strengthen, this is what he needed to do. His one tie to this world was severed and he was going to leave it.

"One ticket to Frankfurt, Germany please."


	4. Solace

Heh, I kept opening OpenOffice over and over, thinking of really great things to write about but once it once it was open, my mind went blank. This may not be a good chapter, but I'll be damned if I don't finish this fic.

Chapter 4

Solace

He was oblivious to the sounds around him, focused on the last conversation he had had with Kitty. She wasn't interested in him and no matter how many times he hoped and dreamed, she never would be. She only seen him as a friend, someone she used to mend her broken heart over and over again.

He was jarred out of his thinking by a small and annoying child kicking the back of his seat. He rubbed his eyes and looked out the plane window, nothing but clouds. The angels were lucky, being able to see this day and night, basking in the loving sight of their lord. Of course, when he died, he wouldn't see any of that. His most prominent nightmare's were based around his death and the after.

He was scared to die but he was more scared of living.

--

Kitty sat on edge, her seat belt digging into her slight frame. She was trying desperately to piece together why Kurt left and said what he said.

"Kitty, sit back and try to relax."

She looked up, not really focused, to see Jean looking at her. She sighed and sat back, relieving the strain on her body.

"I just feel like this is my fault." She said.

"How so?"

"He left after talking to me, well, while talking."

Jean looked at her confused, "He was talking to you?"

"Yes." She fidgeted around in her seat, "He said friends are easily replaced and asked me _how _I would miss him if wasn't there."

Jean smiled slightly, "You really are oblivious sometimes."

"What do you mean?"

"Kurt is a sweet guy but he is damaged. You know what happened to him when he was younger, how he struggles with it now."

Kitty nodded, "I know."

"You never seen him more then a friend, did you?"

Kitty's eyes widened a bit, "No, not really."

Jean waited.

"Oh my god."

"Yea. I spent a good amount of time hearing his thoughts when I was less practiced in controlling my powers. He never thought he was good enough for anyone, you know?"

"I never realized." And then Kitty felt sick, horribly, horribly sick. "How could I have been so blind?"

"Love is blind, Kitty."

"Why did I never think of Kurt in that way?"

"Who did you always go to when you had a nightmare, a bad day, or when something went wrong with Lance? Who did you run to see when you found out they were hospitalized, how long did you spend watching over that person?"

"I took advantage of him a lot, though." She smiled bitterly. "I always went to him with my problems, when I knew he had his own. I always seen the sadness, the hurt in his eyes, but did I _ever_ stop to ask him what was wrong? _No._"

Jean got up and wrapped her arms around Kitty. "There has been enough self loathing. We need to find Kurt and get him back. Promise me that you won't think badly of yourself anymore."

Kitty pulled back and looked into Jean's eyes, her own watering, her throat tight and sore, "I promise, let's get my furry blue man back."

--

Kurt looked out across the landscape that he used to loathe and wanted to escape. Funny he willingly came back to it.

He needed closure.

That much he knew, but he wasn't sure what else drew him back here. He walked slowly down the winding streets, people walked passed him, people stared at him, but he didn't really care, nor did he notice too much.

He took a breath and stepped onto the old street he frequented for pickpocketing, the one he was nearly burned to death on. There was nothing special about it, there were merchandise stands and children running around. He walked to the place where he was staked, there were no marks, no indication that anything heinous ever took place there. He took a breath and kicked at the ground before looking around. _Really_ looked around.

It was normal, no one was glaring at him, no one was even looking at him. He really didn't know what he had expected, but then again, he was using the inducer. He lifted his wrist and his fingers ran over the face of the mechanical device and he wondered...

He looked up once more, his illusioned dark eyes glancing at the little marketplace, catching the eyes of few of the stall owners, getting some smiles and nods. He turned back to his wrist and took a breath. He needed to know... so he pushed the off button.

And all at once the air stilled and the noises muted as the marketplace's eyes flew to him. He looked up and stared at the people there, his golden eyes fearful and waiting. A child walked up to him, her mother no doubt unaware that her child was two feet away from a monster. Kurt squatted down and watched the child, she was curious.

She reached out and touched Kurt's face and a collective gasp rang out. The little girl smiled and Kurt smiled back at her.

"What's your name?"

"Kurt, and what's your's?"

"Heidi." She answered as she swayed side to side.

"That's a very pretty name, where's your mom?"

She pointed back to a woman in the crowd, her eyes soft as she watched her daughter. Kurt smiled to her.

"Why are you blue?"

He laughed a little, "I'm a little different."

"Are you sad, is that why you're blue?"

He grinned, "I was born this way, the way you were born with freckles. Although, I am sad."

"Why are you sad?"

"People treat me badly because I'm different."

"But you're nice!" She squealed.

He laughed a bit more, marveling at the girl's innocence.

"Kurt! Kurt!"

He looked up, seeing Kitty and the rest of his team running towards him.

"Looks like my friends found me."

"Were you playing hide and seek?"

"Yes, we were." He turned to Heidi and smiled at her, "Thank you."

"For what?"

"For being nice to me."

"Oh! You are welcome!" She giggled, dancing around him.

"Kurt!"

"Yes, Kitty?"

He was taken back as she flung herself at him, her arms wrapping around his neck. He stumbled back a bit before wrapping his own arms around her waist.

"Don't ever leave me again Kurt!"

She was crying hysterically, her hands clenching his hair. She quieted after a while and her breathing evened out until she was sleeping.

"Care to tell us why you flew halfway across the world without a word to any of us?" Logan asked.

"Closure."

"Ready to go home? Shrimp hasn't slept since you disappeared." He gestured towards Kitty.

Kurt nodded and turned his head towards Heidi. "Thank you again." She beamed at him and ran back towards her mom and the marketplace went back to normal.

"You alright, Kurt?" Jean asked.

"I don't know."

"You two should talk." She nodded towards Kitty.

"I'm not sure what there is left to talk about."

"You'd be surprised." She said, smiling as she strode ahead.

--

They sat in the back of the jet. Kurt watched as Kitty slept, her face erased of stress, her breathing even and deep. Kurt only wished he could sleep that soundly, but eventually, he found himself nodding off.

Kitty stirred, her mind foggy and she panicked at first until she seen Kurt sleeping. She watched him for a bit, he looked tired, ragged... older then he actually was. She inched closed to him, watching his face. She reached out and touched it, her fingers moving over his skin, tracing his lips, his nose, running them through his hair. She never realized how handsome he was, never realized how vulnerable he was.

"No one's ever touched me like that before, Kitty."

She jumped a bit and withdrew her hand. "I'm sorry, Kurt. I didn't mean to wake you."

"No, please don't be sorry." He said as he sat up, stretching.

She blushed, "No one's ever touched you?"

"Not like what you were doing, no. People were always too scared." He answered, as he looked away. "People were always hesitant of touching the monster."

"You're not a monster." She refuted quickly.

He looked at her and half smiled, "I've always been viewed as one, it's hard to not think that way."

"Kurt, when I realized, well...I.." She huffed and stood up. "When you left, something felt wrong."

He cocked an eyebrow.

She moved closer to him and placed her hand on his face, "When you left, I realized how much you meant to me. I realized how much I depended on you, how much I..." She leaned down, to where she was face to face with him, "I realized how much I loved you." She leaned in and kissed him softly.

Kurt looked at her, his eyes watering as he smiled, "Thank you."


End file.
